I don't want to get into any detail right now. For those who have been my LJ friend for a while, you will probably understand where this is coming from. For those who haven't been, then I guess skip this or just appreciate it for what it is.

To my dear friend,

I miss you, every day I think about you and I wish more than anything you were here on Earth, alive and HEALTHY. Calling your mom was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but whether I called her or not, you still occupied my thoughts most of the day. Today was your favorite holiday, what was it like sitting celebrating Jesus' birthday with him? I am guessing that you didn't wear your typical Santa hat, huh? "sad laugh" I wasn't going to post anything, at least not publicly or for anyone to see, but I got this poem from my pastor and I found it too appropriate. I miss you and I love you.

Jennifer

The Work of Christmas

When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of Christmas begins:
To find the lost,
To heal the broken,
To feed the hungry,
To release the prisoner,
To rebuild the nations,
To bring peace among brothers,
To make music in the heart.

by Howard Thurman

To my LJ friends-
Please remember to not forget to tell people that you love that you love them. My friend and I were too stubborn, to weak in pride to forgive and tell each other how much we missed each other. We missed out on two and a half years worth of not talking and being angry and missing the other person. That is time that I can never get back now. Please know, at least from me, that if you are reading this, I love you and I care about YOU. You are not just another username to me, you are not just another post on a page. You are a person that I care about, think about, and pray for. This Christmas day, before I got to bed, I wanted you to all know that I thank you for everything you do for me and for the person you are.

Earlier today Jeremy called while I was at work and I could not talk to him. But after one hell of a day at work, he called me right before I was about to leave. Again, I could not talk to him, but then I called him back as soon as I could. When I heard his voice I actually began to cry a little bit. I am so tired and so stressed from having such a crappy day that I wanted nothing more than him to hug me and kiss me and offer to give me a massage. I thought it would be no big deal with him gone, just five days and he would be back. But I miss him a lot more than I thought I would. I guess a huge part of me feels lonely. All of my friends don’t live here. I do have a new friend, but she has a life and a family and I try to be careful since sometimes I tend to overload people. i.e. feel really close to them when they only think of me as a cusual friend. Anyway, I just want things to fast forward where I have a life and I don’t need to depend as much on Jeremy. But I do really miss him. I guess I didn’t realize how much I depended on him. I love him very much, although he drives me crazy. I am bumming right now too thinking about Joel. Someone made me think of him today and it has been on my mind a lot. So yeah, a hard day and I need a good hug!! Waaaahhhhh….the whine is over with, please return to your regular programming.

A couple months ago, I posted a video. I can't find the exact entry, but the video is here. This is totally how I am feeling right now. I am so overwhelmed with evreything that is going on. Joel's death, the finances, the new job, family stuff, being sick, and Jeremy and I. It is just a lot to handle and I guess I am not handling it very well at all. I am just really not doing well. I am going into a depression that I haven't been in years. I think I know where it is coming from and that probably means that this isn't going anywhere soon. All I want to do is be alone and sleep. I feel so alone...I know that I am not, but I feel that way.

On another note, I was struck to listen to this song tonight and it made me think of Joel. It used to be one of his favorite songs when it first came out.


I was thinking that I wonder what he did when he met Jesus. I can only imagine that he must have been so very happy to be with the Lord he walked with for so long.

I started my new job today. I am exhausted and I have brain fry. I had to read so much training material and crap today my brain felt like it would explode. So much new information and everything. I am not sure about a lot of it, but I guess that I will get used to it. I am so tired though and so sore…I totally hurt my back yesterday and it is really bothering me today. There is a lot to say about the job but honestly I am just too tired.

I have four days of work this week and then I got Friday off to drive down to the funeral. It is all still really hard for me to think about. I know that it will be really hard for me to see Carlyn and Victoria and know that we aren’t together for a happy reason and to go in that church and have to deal in person with the fact that our friend is gone. God, I miss him so much. I missed him for years and then I got him back. I talked to him for two and a half months and then he was gone again and now he is gone forever. I can’t tell you what a devastating feeling that is. I am sure some of you know though already.

Good night and I love you all.

Don't forget to tell the people that you love, that you love them every day.

Don't forget to tell people that you are sorry and make sure that they know you meant it.

Don't forget that regrets are much harder to live with than letting something go and letting bygones be bygones.

Don't forget that love is more important than anything, and that means all kinds of love.

Lastly, don't forget that the person that you care about could be gone in a blink of an eye and you should cherish every minute you have together.

I thought of these things because as I was sitting in the car, the Tim McGraw song "live like you were dying" came on and I thought of Joel. I think of how stupid we both were to wait over three years to give our apologies and catch up on each other's lives. I think in particular how stupid I was, how hung up on fear of rejection I was, to reach out and just write a simple email that said "I am sorry and I wish you the best." I only got a little less than three months back. True, it is better than nothing, but I wish I had done it earlier. I have so many regrets, so many conversations with him in my head that I wish I could have had. I wished I had asked before I did to go see him. I wish I had been allowed to go. I wish that he had taken me up on my offer to meet up for lunch before he went into the hospital. I wish that Jeremy had gotten to meet him and he would know how special Joel was. I wish that I didn't feel so guilty every time I enjoyed something. On the other hand, I am glad that I feel guilty because I think I would be less of a person if I didn't for a while. I am still just so angry that so much was taken from those loved JOel, and that so much was taken from Joel. It is so hard...

So please, don't be stubborn or scared or blase about stuff...right the wrongs and don't give up on people. Don't stop caring about people, the regrets swirl around your head and eat you up on the inside.