Earlier today Jeremy called while I was at work and I could not talk to him. But after one hell of a day at work, he called me right before I was about to leave. Again, I could not talk to him, but then I called him back as soon as I could. When I heard his voice I actually began to cry a little bit. I am so tired and so stressed from having such a crappy day that I wanted nothing more than him to hug me and kiss me and offer to give me a massage. I thought it would be no big deal with him gone, just five days and he would be back. But I miss him a lot more than I thought I would. I guess a huge part of me feels lonely. All of my friends don’t live here. I do have a new friend, but she has a life and a family and I try to be careful since sometimes I tend to overload people. i.e. feel really close to them when they only think of me as a cusual friend. Anyway, I just want things to fast forward where I have a life and I don’t need to depend as much on Jeremy. But I do really miss him. I guess I didn’t realize how much I depended on him. I love him very much, although he drives me crazy. I am bumming right now too thinking about Joel. Someone made me think of him today and it has been on my mind a lot. So yeah, a hard day and I need a good hug!! Waaaahhhhh….the whine is over with, please return to your regular programming.

I am so freakin’ tired it isn’t even funny. Sad part, I have to be back there tomorrow in eight hours for an eight and a half hour shift. Tonight sucked ass, seriously. The only high point for me was helping Jeremy and his family out. Other than that, it sucked. And the situation with Jeremy sucked too. He ended up spending almost seven hours in Boston because of the storms on the East Coast. I know he is tired too.

I am beginning to wonder if maybe this job is not for me. I have a lot of opinions that differ from nearly everyone else I work with. They may be alcoholics and addicts, but they are people too and it is not fair to dump everyone into a generalized stereotype. There are people that live there that I would trust to watch my kid, that I would trust to be alone with in a dark alley, and that I would trust with my safety. Not everyone there I feel that way about, but it is based on a personal experience with each of them. It is not based on the whole “they are all liars and manipulators and sneaks”. That crap pisses me off and I am really quite about to pop off one of these days if I am caught at the wrong moment. And I will tell you two other things. One is that those addicts, thieves, alcoholics, abusers, manipulators and liars treat me more like an equal than most of that stuff does. They don’t talk down to me, they don’t make me feel like a freak because I read things closely or because I don’t do things right all the time. I would rather hang out with them honestly, at least I feel human!! And the other thing I will tell you is that if I was ever in a treatment program and I had an injury that was not my fault, and I had to be hospitalized for four days because of it, and I was left alone for those four days with barely more than a visit one time, I would sign myself out AMA and hit the streets looking for a high. I would feel deserted and alone and angry. I would not feel strong, supported or cared about. I would feel like “what is the point of trying to get better, no one even cares if I am better or not?” So please stop telling me that I am being manipulated and that people are trying to get their way because I am not stupid, and despite legal standards saying otherwise, I am not blind. I know when I am being duped and I know when someone just needs some love and caring. Lastly, oh great management and fellow staff, let me ask you this because I know you will certainly bring up my inexperience…I might not have as much experience as you do, but perhaps is there a chance that all of your experience has hardened your heart and closed your mind off to the total range of human empathy and compassion?

So anyway, crappy night…but two of my co-workers did some of the nicest things that anyone has ever done for me. Both of them had their night off tonight and both came in to give me a ride home so that I would not have to take a taxi and be on my own. Can you believe that? I think that is just so awesome, I can’t even get into it. It actually made me cry…and homegirl don’t cry that often.

So freakin’ tired. I think I am finally simmered down for the evening. Night to all and have a great day tomorrow!!

It is amazing what can be done when you put your mind to it! I fought the exhaustion and desire to just let Brooke sit in front of the TV while I vegged out. So far today I have:
-unpacked three boxes and put away their contents.
-cleaned out our walk-in closet so that it looks nice and things are easy to find.
-made baked pork chops to give to Carla and Brooke. I had defrosted them last night for this yummy last-night dinner for Jeremy, but we got home late. I didn’t want to refreeze them and they would not last until Monday.
-made a really nice salad, some to take to work, some to give to Carla and Brooke.
-Brooke is bathing at this moment.
-Brooke vacuumed the stairs and other areas of the house needed it.
-did two loads of laundry.

I wish I had gotten more stuff done but I guess that will have to get done tomorrow when I get off work. I also pick up my prescription tomorrow. Eeeekk… It is my Cyclosporine so it is necessary, but it also used to cost $1200 for 3 months, and that was low-cost. I am paying for a one month supply, at a lower dosage (I am still on the same dose, but I need the 100mg, not the 25mgs, I have tons of those), so I hope that I want get too raked over.

I miss Jeremy but I am really happy that he gets to spend time with his family.

Sorry for the post whoring, it is all about breaks for me right now. My back is killing me and I am already very tired.

Yep, you are reading the time right. Jeremy left for the airport at 4am. The alarm went off at 3:15am. I laid there for an hour and a half after he left and I could not sleep anymore. Decided to get up while Brooke was still sleeping and get some “me” time. Tonight, my ass will be dragging I am sure. On three hours of sleep I plan to go the whole day cleaning house and unpacking boxes. Then at 2pm I go in for an eight and a half hour shift. Holla! After that, I will go to my parents’ house and crash (I hope! I always have a hard time sleeping when Jeremy isn’t with me unless I am really tired like last weekend). But then, I get to get up at 7am and go back to work for another eight and a half hour shift. I am thankful though because at least boom boom, then they are done, ya know? I know that I don’t work on Saturday, pretty sure I don’t on Sunday either. So that means the next time I have to work again is 7:45am Monday morning.

I have time, so I will ramble…and YOU will like it! ;) ( Read more... )