A couple months ago, I posted a video. I can't find the exact entry, but the video is here. This is totally how I am feeling right now. I am so overwhelmed with evreything that is going on. Joel's death, the finances, the new job, family stuff, being sick, and Jeremy and I. It is just a lot to handle and I guess I am not handling it very well at all. I am just really not doing well. I am going into a depression that I haven't been in years. I think I know where it is coming from and that probably means that this isn't going anywhere soon. All I want to do is be alone and sleep. I feel so alone...I know that I am not, but I feel that way.

On another note, I was struck to listen to this song tonight and it made me think of Joel. It used to be one of his favorite songs when it first came out.


I was thinking that I wonder what he did when he met Jesus. I can only imagine that he must have been so very happy to be with the Lord he walked with for so long.

Don't forget to tell the people that you love, that you love them every day.

Don't forget to tell people that you are sorry and make sure that they know you meant it.

Don't forget that regrets are much harder to live with than letting something go and letting bygones be bygones.

Don't forget that love is more important than anything, and that means all kinds of love.

Lastly, don't forget that the person that you care about could be gone in a blink of an eye and you should cherish every minute you have together.

I thought of these things because as I was sitting in the car, the Tim McGraw song "live like you were dying" came on and I thought of Joel. I think of how stupid we both were to wait over three years to give our apologies and catch up on each other's lives. I think in particular how stupid I was, how hung up on fear of rejection I was, to reach out and just write a simple email that said "I am sorry and I wish you the best." I only got a little less than three months back. True, it is better than nothing, but I wish I had done it earlier. I have so many regrets, so many conversations with him in my head that I wish I could have had. I wished I had asked before I did to go see him. I wish I had been allowed to go. I wish that he had taken me up on my offer to meet up for lunch before he went into the hospital. I wish that Jeremy had gotten to meet him and he would know how special Joel was. I wish that I didn't feel so guilty every time I enjoyed something. On the other hand, I am glad that I feel guilty because I think I would be less of a person if I didn't for a while. I am still just so angry that so much was taken from those loved JOel, and that so much was taken from Joel. It is so hard...

So please, don't be stubborn or scared or blase about stuff...right the wrongs and don't give up on people. Don't stop caring about people, the regrets swirl around your head and eat you up on the inside.